Christmas is a time of year that as a child I always looked forward too. I would write my letter to Santa and on Christmas Eve I could hardly wait to go to sleep and then as bed time came, I was far too excited to actually sleep. Once I did, as soon as I woke up I rushed to wake up my mother and my grandparents (the 3 people that I have never spent a Christmas without). As the baby of the family and as a spoiled only child (especially since my single mother tried to make up for the fact that my dad wasn't in the picture much) I had the most presents under the tree. And not just the most... a ridiculous amount of grand presents. Back then I thought that was how every child's Christmas morning was. It wasn't until I became older... embarrassingly enough I'm talking like junior year of high school older... that I realized not everyone received so much on Christmas, in fact many of my friends only got one gift, if any.
Now that I'm older and a senior in college, Christmas has come to mean something different to me. On Christmas Eve this year, my mom asked me if it felt like Christmas Eve and I said it didn't. It was rainy and gloomy, I worked that day, and I was still finishing up Christmas shopping... so it just wasn't very joyful.
This Christmas was still a good one though. It was the first Christmas we've had my 6 year old cousin around since her parents got divorced. Naturally with her being the youngest she got the most gifts... she even got a brand new iPad. But watching my grandparents and my mom open their gifts was also awesome. There was a lot of laughter, and even some tears.
After everyone had gone home my grandma came into my room and told me that this Christmas was one for the books, and that she would keep it in her heart... especially since she thinks they don't have very many Christmases left.... which was the saddest and most depressing thing ever, because I am extremely close with both my grandparents and I hold them very dear to me. Naturally, I teared up and I just couldn't stop a few tears from falling off the rim of my eye lids, even though I felt stupid.
I just can't imagine life without them and I don't want to.
It just made me realize the importance of family. When I was in high school I was close with my family but I still focused on my friendships more. Fighting with my family and I couldn't wait to get away and have fun with my friends... how awful I feel about those times now because I'm not really friends with any of those people anymore and yet my family remains.
My family has stood by me through all of my failures and my darkest times. They're stuck around when I've been awful to them. They put up with my bad moods and offer me love, support, and encouragement through everything. Most of my friends however, have not.
Friends get busy, change life courses, and drift apart.... I've made many new friends in my life and my "group" of friends has changed more times than I can count.
But my family has remained a constant. They have never let me down or disappointed me. Which makes me realize I need to be more appreciative. More patient and understanding with them. I need to tell them... and more importantly show them, that I love them and help them understand just how much they mean to me and how much I appreciate them. This will be one of my "New Years Resolutions". Because frankly, my family deserves a lot better from me.
Wednesday, December 26, 2012
Monday, September 24, 2012
Who to Choose and Who to Lose?
"In an unexpected turn of events, I was neither a winner, nor a loser, I was a chooser. But someone had to win, someone had to lose, and I was still left to choose. It was a big decision and not an easy one to make."
I've been dragging this decision out way to long and it's not fair to anyone involved. I'm constantly stressed and feeling guilty, both Hunter and Robbie are feeling bad because they know I'm seeing the other one, and even my friends and roommates are getting caught up in it, even accidentally calling one the wrong name! As much as I'm dreading making my decision I know it needs to be done because this is getting ridiculous.
I've never identified more with a show than I have with MTV's Awkward lately. Which is what the title and quote at the beginning of this blog are from. Jenna, the main character, gets caught up in a love triangle between Matty and Jake. Two great guys who are different in many ways but happen to be bestfriends.
Thankfully in my case Hunter and Robbie aren't friends, they've only met twice. So that makes this decision a little easier. However, I know whoever I don't choose will be really hurt.
While watching Awkward. I was #TeamJake all along, I thought he was more attractive, nicer, and better for Jenna (and he IS) but Jenna ends up picking Matty at the end of season 2.
And in the actual situation of my life I think I'm going to make the same choice that Jenna did.
I'm going to choose my Matty. Which in this situation is clearly Hunter.
Now I just don't know how to break the news to the other one and try to salvage our friendship, if that's even possible...
I've been dragging this decision out way to long and it's not fair to anyone involved. I'm constantly stressed and feeling guilty, both Hunter and Robbie are feeling bad because they know I'm seeing the other one, and even my friends and roommates are getting caught up in it, even accidentally calling one the wrong name! As much as I'm dreading making my decision I know it needs to be done because this is getting ridiculous.
I've never identified more with a show than I have with MTV's Awkward lately. Which is what the title and quote at the beginning of this blog are from. Jenna, the main character, gets caught up in a love triangle between Matty and Jake. Two great guys who are different in many ways but happen to be bestfriends.
Thankfully in my case Hunter and Robbie aren't friends, they've only met twice. So that makes this decision a little easier. However, I know whoever I don't choose will be really hurt.
While watching Awkward. I was #TeamJake all along, I thought he was more attractive, nicer, and better for Jenna (and he IS) but Jenna ends up picking Matty at the end of season 2.
And in the actual situation of my life I think I'm going to make the same choice that Jenna did.
I'm going to choose my Matty. Which in this situation is clearly Hunter.
Now I just don't know how to break the news to the other one and try to salvage our friendship, if that's even possible...
Friday, September 7, 2012
Roomie Drama
Today I had my first "big" fight with one of my roommates. I just feel as though she's being really selfish lately.
Anytime I make food I offer her some and I gladly share. This morning she asked me for one of my donuts and I gave her one, along with a piece of mine because she asked to try it. I also frequently curl and straighten her hair for her when she asks me to.
And yet when I ask her to do the simplest thing, she does it with an attitude. She'll scoff and be super dramatic and answer back with something like "I guess...".
I just don't think it's nice or fair and to be honest it's really getting under my skin.
I need to figure out what the "adult" way to handle this would be, but first I'm going to drink more wine.
Anytime I make food I offer her some and I gladly share. This morning she asked me for one of my donuts and I gave her one, along with a piece of mine because she asked to try it. I also frequently curl and straighten her hair for her when she asks me to.
And yet when I ask her to do the simplest thing, she does it with an attitude. She'll scoff and be super dramatic and answer back with something like "I guess...".
I just don't think it's nice or fair and to be honest it's really getting under my skin.
I need to figure out what the "adult" way to handle this would be, but first I'm going to drink more wine.
Sunday, August 19, 2012
Cowgirl Up
I hurt two really great people recently. The first one was on Thursday, which I already wrote about, and I have since apologized for and have seemingly been forgiven. The second was yesterday and I'll be giving an apology for that one within the next hour.
I still don't know exactly what I'm going to say because I'm not entirely sure what I want, does that make me a bad person?
I have these two phenomenal people who, for reasons I can't quite figure out, want to be with me. They are so opposite and the circumstances for each are very different. I don't want to hurt anyone and I don't want to lose either of them at this point. Is that selfish of me?
I still don't know exactly what I'm going to say because I'm not entirely sure what I want, does that make me a bad person?
I have these two phenomenal people who, for reasons I can't quite figure out, want to be with me. They are so opposite and the circumstances for each are very different. I don't want to hurt anyone and I don't want to lose either of them at this point. Is that selfish of me?
Friday, August 17, 2012
Goodbye Bev!
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| Me and T Sax (one of my roomies) last night. |
We had SO much alcohol it was ridiculous! I started off with a mixed vodka drink, then played a game of beer pong (which I lost so I had to take a loser's shot), made another mixed drink, played another game of beer pong, took vodka body shots, and apparently took tequila shots. Needless to say I had alcohol poisoning and spent half the party in the bathroom throwing up (not one of my finest moments).
On the bright side it really made me realize how many great people I have in my life. So many people were concerned and I basically had a whole team of people taking care of me and making sure I was okay. It just made me feel really thankful and fortunate.
I was such a jerk to Hunter, the guy I've kind of been seeing. I invited him to our party but then when he got there (and I was already drunk) I completely ignored him. I literally didn't say 1 word to him. I was playing beer pong with another guy and according to my friends, when I made an outrageous shot that went in, I jumped up and straddled his waist. Then when I started getting sick Hunter watched over me for hours and even cleaned my vomit out of the sink (YUCK!), he carried me to the car and made sure someone got me home safe. Even though he was really upset with me he still stuck around to make sure I was okay. Is that not the sweetest thing ever?
When I woke up this morning and got filled in on what happened, I felt like the biggest ass ever. Who does that?! Needless to say I called and apologized to him. He still seems a little ticked but I think we'll be able to move past it.
My dating life is just all jumbly at the moment but I think that deserves a separate blog posting later.
For now all I can say is:
I am blessed with some truly amazing people in my life.
I have some issues to work on regarding alcohol.
I need to sort out my love life.
Saturday, August 11, 2012
Getting my Namaste on...
I signed up for a yoga class when I was in community college and I ended up dropping out of it after the second time the class met. I absolutely hated it, it was too slow placed for me, I was frustrated about not being able to do a lot of the more advanced poses, and something about being in a place really quiet and being able to hear my own breathing and heart beat really freaks me out and gives me anxiety.
Yesterday JuJu asked me to go with her in the morning to free yoga on the beach. After explaining to her why I hate yoga and how I think it's the stupidest thing ever, she still somehow convinced me to go. So alas, this morning we got up earlyish and drove down to our little bay area. We were 15 minutes late because parking in that area is terrible but we quickly walked over and placed our yoga mats in the sand toward the back. The lady teaching the class has a very quiet, calm, and soothing voice so I was a big fan of her.
-Side note, I have a thing with voices... most people just have average voices that aren't anything special, a few people have really annoying voices that I really don't enjoy listening too, and some people have voices that just have a certain effect on me... where I could literally listen to them talking for hours about any given subject and I'd still enjoy it. It's not an attraction thing at all though. The yoga instructor had one of those special voices.
So this yoga class had a few pluses.
+ Instructor had a nice voice
+ It was outside and crowded so I didn't have to silently listen to my breathing and heart
+ I got to work on my tan at the same time
+ I felt really accomplished when it was over
But there were still some things I didn't like
- I had the sun in my eyes and sunglasses kept falling off my face in different poses
- I felt a little weird at first with all the onlookers
- I had no sunscreen on and I might be a little sun burned
- I got sand all over me, not even my yoga mat could prevent that
All in all as much as I hated it, I enjoyed it if that makes any sense. It's a free yoga class every Saturday morning on the beach I feel like I would be an idiot to not to take advantage of this. I'm definitely going to give it a few more tries and see if I can get into it more because I know it would be good for me.
Next time I'm not wearing stupid yoga clothes though... I'm wearing a freakin bikini and tanning oil. And I'm going swimming after because the water looked so refreshing.
Bring on the Namaste!
Thursday, August 9, 2012
Throwback Thursday: Crazy Time
With less than 10 minutes to spare before it turns into Friday I thought I would post my first Throwback Thursday, so here ya go! This was back when I was a sophomore in high school. My friends and I had driven out to Lake Bottom to have a bon fire, listen to music, and drink... all of which was completely illegal. I've come such a long way.
Plastic Surgery
When I logged onto Yahoo! this morning to check my email a news story about a 14 year old girl getting plastic surgery caught my eye. You can read the article by clicking here.
The story is actually really awesome in my opinion but maybe that's because it hits so close to home and I can relate to the girl so well. Apparently there is an organization called Little Baby Face Foundation that pays for kids with deformities to have the medical procedures they need. I think this is absolutely incredible because life as a kid/teenager is hard enough as it is to deal with.
I was a pretty cute kid in elementary school and I had a good amount of friends. Once I got to middle school however everything changed. Middle school was the worst for me and I feel like that's the case with a lot of people. It is such an awkward time in our lives when some of us are starting to go through puberty... mix that with a bunch of mean snotty kids that don't know enough social etiquette to not say terrible things to a persons face... and you've successfully landed in Hell on Earth.
Puberty was not kind to me at all. Puberty was a bitch. I got terrible cystic acne, my teeth were crooked so I had to get braces, my hair was frizzy and I had no idea how to use make up or a straightener, and my boobs had starting to develop so I got extremely self conscious of my body image compared to other girls. Top that off with learning how and where to shave and like an idiot shaving my arms, resulting in my arm hair growing in thicker, and the ultimate cherry on top of that was that according to my peers I had a big nose.
I was teased endlessly by some of the "mean girls" at my school and much like the girl in the video I would come home from school crying only I didn't make it a secret from either of my parents. I begged both of them for plastic surgery when I was in 6th grade! Obviously neither of them had the money nor did they think I needed plastic surgery. To parents, their kids are perfect and they could never see their child as ugly.
But my moms pep talks, bless her heart, just weren't cutting it anymore. My peers had made sure that I knew I was ugly. But what could I do? Not a whole lot at that time. I sucked it up and wore a hoodie to school every day (even in the 108 degree summers) to hit my body and arm hair. I dressed in all black and put black in my hair to show everyone "how much I didn't care" even though I obviously really did. And I saved up money for a long time. Every birthday and Christmas or any extra cash I got went in a lock box under my bed and I saved for years.
I grew into my looks a little bit in 8th grade and even more so in high school. My braces came off at the end of 7th grade and my acne cleared up when I went on birth control during the middle of 8th grade which is when I also discovered a straightener, yay! I had boyfriends and from my previous post y'all know I lost my virginity which had up and down effects on my self esteem.
Once I was in high school things got a little better. Most of my peers had learned social etiquette by this time and knew that it wasn't proper to insult and make fun of someone to their face... so they just did it behind my back. Which I, and I'm being completely serious here, appreciated so much more. It's less embarrassing when you don't have to hear them say it and watch other people laugh. So it wasn't much but it was an improvement.
After I graduated high school and finished my first year and a half of community college I had finally saved enough for plastic surgery... it was about a month after my 20th birthday. I shopped around for surgeons and narrowed it down between a few. Even though I had originally just wanted was rhinoplasty... plastic surgery is a slippery slope. The surgeons almost "sell" you on other procedures because they point out other flaws in your face... and do the whole "Oh but after we fix your nose then this flaw will really stand out so you should do this too...". After all was said and done I ended up getting a rhinoplasty, chin augmentation, and a brow lift.
Waking up after surgery was the most painful experience of my life. I felt like I had been run over a million times with a huge truck... and from the pictures I have of that day it looks like that's what happened.
The day all my casts came off from my face my mom was with me and when I looked in the mirror I started crying. My mom asked me what was wrong and I couldn't even take my eyes off the mirror when I replied "my face just looks so good". I'm a very emotionally person and I cry a lot over sad things that that day was the first and only time I have ever cried tears of happiness. I loved my results.
It took a while to get used to my new face and I know it weirded out certain family members and some of my friends really didn't agree with it. But it was the right choice for me. I am so much more confident and outgoing now than I ever was before.
But people need to be careful with plastic surgery. Like I said I absolutely love my results but now that those things are improved, when I look in the mirror all I can see are the other flaws. My boobs are too small, my thighs are too big, my eye brows don't perfectly match, I have acne scars, oh God are those laugh lines around my mouth?! And yes... my arms are still harry (but thankfully I'm blonde! haha). Once you fix something you notice something else and it's an endless cycle so I can see how people can get addicted and out of control. [See: Heidi Montag]
But even noticing my other flaws I've become more comfortable in my own skin. Just because I notice them doesn't mean they bother me as much. I don't think I'd have any more surgery until I'm more older and even then who knows. Right now I'm perfectly fine with myself and everyone else seems to be too, I think my new found confidence makes me that much sexier!
The story is actually really awesome in my opinion but maybe that's because it hits so close to home and I can relate to the girl so well. Apparently there is an organization called Little Baby Face Foundation that pays for kids with deformities to have the medical procedures they need. I think this is absolutely incredible because life as a kid/teenager is hard enough as it is to deal with.
I was a pretty cute kid in elementary school and I had a good amount of friends. Once I got to middle school however everything changed. Middle school was the worst for me and I feel like that's the case with a lot of people. It is such an awkward time in our lives when some of us are starting to go through puberty... mix that with a bunch of mean snotty kids that don't know enough social etiquette to not say terrible things to a persons face... and you've successfully landed in Hell on Earth.
Puberty was not kind to me at all. Puberty was a bitch. I got terrible cystic acne, my teeth were crooked so I had to get braces, my hair was frizzy and I had no idea how to use make up or a straightener, and my boobs had starting to develop so I got extremely self conscious of my body image compared to other girls. Top that off with learning how and where to shave and like an idiot shaving my arms, resulting in my arm hair growing in thicker, and the ultimate cherry on top of that was that according to my peers I had a big nose.
I was teased endlessly by some of the "mean girls" at my school and much like the girl in the video I would come home from school crying only I didn't make it a secret from either of my parents. I begged both of them for plastic surgery when I was in 6th grade! Obviously neither of them had the money nor did they think I needed plastic surgery. To parents, their kids are perfect and they could never see their child as ugly.
But my moms pep talks, bless her heart, just weren't cutting it anymore. My peers had made sure that I knew I was ugly. But what could I do? Not a whole lot at that time. I sucked it up and wore a hoodie to school every day (even in the 108 degree summers) to hit my body and arm hair. I dressed in all black and put black in my hair to show everyone "how much I didn't care" even though I obviously really did. And I saved up money for a long time. Every birthday and Christmas or any extra cash I got went in a lock box under my bed and I saved for years.
I grew into my looks a little bit in 8th grade and even more so in high school. My braces came off at the end of 7th grade and my acne cleared up when I went on birth control during the middle of 8th grade which is when I also discovered a straightener, yay! I had boyfriends and from my previous post y'all know I lost my virginity which had up and down effects on my self esteem.
Once I was in high school things got a little better. Most of my peers had learned social etiquette by this time and knew that it wasn't proper to insult and make fun of someone to their face... so they just did it behind my back. Which I, and I'm being completely serious here, appreciated so much more. It's less embarrassing when you don't have to hear them say it and watch other people laugh. So it wasn't much but it was an improvement.
After I graduated high school and finished my first year and a half of community college I had finally saved enough for plastic surgery... it was about a month after my 20th birthday. I shopped around for surgeons and narrowed it down between a few. Even though I had originally just wanted was rhinoplasty... plastic surgery is a slippery slope. The surgeons almost "sell" you on other procedures because they point out other flaws in your face... and do the whole "Oh but after we fix your nose then this flaw will really stand out so you should do this too...". After all was said and done I ended up getting a rhinoplasty, chin augmentation, and a brow lift.
Waking up after surgery was the most painful experience of my life. I felt like I had been run over a million times with a huge truck... and from the pictures I have of that day it looks like that's what happened.
The day all my casts came off from my face my mom was with me and when I looked in the mirror I started crying. My mom asked me what was wrong and I couldn't even take my eyes off the mirror when I replied "my face just looks so good". I'm a very emotionally person and I cry a lot over sad things that that day was the first and only time I have ever cried tears of happiness. I loved my results.
It took a while to get used to my new face and I know it weirded out certain family members and some of my friends really didn't agree with it. But it was the right choice for me. I am so much more confident and outgoing now than I ever was before.
But people need to be careful with plastic surgery. Like I said I absolutely love my results but now that those things are improved, when I look in the mirror all I can see are the other flaws. My boobs are too small, my thighs are too big, my eye brows don't perfectly match, I have acne scars, oh God are those laugh lines around my mouth?! And yes... my arms are still harry (but thankfully I'm blonde! haha). Once you fix something you notice something else and it's an endless cycle so I can see how people can get addicted and out of control. [See: Heidi Montag]
But even noticing my other flaws I've become more comfortable in my own skin. Just because I notice them doesn't mean they bother me as much. I don't think I'd have any more surgery until I'm more older and even then who knows. Right now I'm perfectly fine with myself and everyone else seems to be too, I think my new found confidence makes me that much sexier!
Dating: Before moving on, let's rehash the past...
Let's start at basically the beginning, shall we?
I don't want to brag or anything but I was kind of a player when I was younger. I remember having crushes on multiple boys in my kindergarten class and being absolutely thrilled when we played house and I'd get to be "married" to one of them. I "dated" guys in my 4th and 5th grade class (dated in this contexts refers strictly to passing hand written notes that were folded up in a complicated pattern but never actually talking face to face).
While I was clearly aman's lady, wow that doesn't sound nearly as good as "ladies man", how about guy's gal? Nope equally as terrible. Okay let's try this again:
While I was obviously a coquette, or a minx if you will, back in the day, my first real relationship didn't happen until 8th grade.
I met Taylor when I was in 7th grade and we sat across from each other at a group table in our English class. I became close friends with him and his best guy friend (who I at the time I had a huge crush on but he was incredibly cute and had a girlfriend... while I had acne, braces, and frizzy hair so I knew I didn't have a chance with him). The year went on and I developed my friendship with Taylor more and more and I knew that I was developing a crush on him because he always made me laugh so hard with his immature middle school jokes. We began dating at the beginning of 8th grade and for my first serious relationship I'm impressed when I reflect back on those 9 months we spent together. We were horribly immature and we blindly stumbling through our relationship trying to figure out what we were doing and what exactly "love" was... even though we both thought we had figured it out. Our relationship ended when I found out his family was moving to another state and while he went house hunting with his parents, I being an insecure, naive, and heart broken girl, lost my virginity to a guy named Cameron who was a year older than me. I admitted to Taylor what I had done and he rightfully broke up with me. I had no right to do what I had done and it's one of the biggest mistakes I've ever made in my life. We were each others first loves and first heart breaks. You only get 1 and you never really forget them. I learned so much about life, love, and myself from Taylor. We dated when we were so young and impressionable, he was a key piece in forming who I would become as a person. I know I would be a completely different person had I never met him.
My freshman year of high school I was dating Cameron, the douche that took my virginity. He was a grade older than me and when I look back on this time in my life it truly saddens me. Cameron was everything you don't want in a boyfriend: controlling, obsessive, emotionally unstable, jealous, emotionally abusive, manipulative, and just down right mean. Even still I some how fell victim to the clique of a freshman girl love struck over the upperclassman that gave her the slightest bit of attention. There were rules with dating Cameron: I had to call or text him first thing when I woke up and he had to be the last person I talked to before I went to sleep at night. I'm 99% sure he cheated on me, more than once, although I never got it confirmed. I constantly had drama with his ex girlfriends who were also upperclassmen and were pretty mean to me at the time (although I'm facebook friends with both of them now lol). He always had to know where I was and he didn't like me hanging out with my friends when he wasn't around. Conveniently for Cameron, most of my friends weren't a fan of him and so I became more and more isolated which meant I became more dependent on him which is one of the reasons it took so long to end things. On top of my dependency I also felt vulnerable since I had lost my virginity to him, that was a big deal to me and even though it didn't seem like it at the time, I was not emotionally ready for that, 14 is just too young to know what you're really getting into with sex. There was also the issue of him threatening suicide if I ever did bring up breaking up or taking some space... and the fact that we were engaged (mmhmm there was a ring and everything)! Yes, engaged, yes... feel free to laugh and call me an idiot because I was!! This entire relationship was a mess from beginning to end, nothing positive came from this relationship in my life. I learned nothing new except what I definitely don't want ever again.
After Cameron and I broke up I began dating Crystal, a girl I met on the first day of freshman year in my advanced biology class. She was a sophomore and really different from anyone I'd ever met. I hadn't seriously considered my sexuality before I met her but I think that since she came into my life at such a chaotic time, when I was with Cameron and feeling terrible about myself, played a key factor in how important she became to me. Crystal and I dated on and off for all of my sophomore year. It was so confusing and scary because I had never dated a girl before. It was almost like the first love relationship I had with Taylor because it was so new to me only I feel like this relationship was even harder because her parents and a lot of our peers were against us. This was an epic love though and I don't think I will ever forget it for as long as I live. Crystal was so influential to me becoming who I am today and I learned so much from her and our relationship. I can openly reflect and admit that we were definitely terrible to each other at times. We both cheated on each other and we were both so insecure with ourselves and our relationship that we constantly tried to make each other jealous or defy what the other one wanted. I went through a lot of hard times because of Crystal but I know I put her through hell too. If I reflect on it overall, this was such a beneficial and rewarding relationship to be apart of.
I had to transfer to a continuation high school for my junior year. That summer before school started I met Johnny and oh man was I smitten. This guy was a bad boy punk down to his core and he gave me mad butterflies in my stomach. I had mixed feelings about thinking he was the coolest person ever and thinking I could somehow change his life style and make him into a respectable young man (ha!). Johnny lived in his friends garage with 2-4 other people depending on the night. It was kind of like a squatter place that we used for getting drunk and stoned all day every day, classy, I know. I got so caught up in him that I would bring him food all the time, and come over every day and clean up the garage/his room for him, and I'd wake up him and pick him up for school every morning. We went to raves together and rolled together. It was a whirlwind relationship that was in the fast lane on the high way that was leading absolutely no where. We didn't have a lot in common unless I was drunk or stoned so I'm not really surprised that this relationship didn't work out. Despite my facade of not giving a fuck about the world or life, I secretly had ambitions and a desire to get the hell out of my shit hole of a home town.... and he didn't. Complacently had set in around Johnny's life and it drove us apart. He would tell me what a controlling bitch I was for making him go to school and do his homework, and I would tell him what an asshole of a boyfriend he was. Surprisingly enough my relationship with Johnny was the longest consistent relationship I ever had ("consistently together" meaning that even though we broke up sometimes we got back together before dating anyone else). While this relationship clearly wasn't the best or most genuine, it also wasn't the worst. I would consider this my "well that was fun but what the hell was I thinking" relationship.
In between these relationships there have been others. Short relationships here and there as well as hook ups that lead to nothing. But these 4 are the significant ones. This is my dating past.
Taylor and I still talk regularly and he is still a huge part of my life. I still apologize for what I did to him in the past but we've both moved on. He's one of my best friends and I would do a lot for him. He has a gorgeous daughter now and I want nothing but good things for them both.
Cameron I talked on and off through high school, he even tried to get back together with me a few times, NOPE! But we've lost touch over the years... he was always shady and I never really trusted him. I know he also has a daughter now but I have no idea where he is living or what he is doing in life. We aren't even facebook friends. It's weird to me how Cameron will always be apart of my life because he took my virginity, but out of these 4 relationships he is the one that has disappeared from my life.
Crystal and I dated on and off many, many times. We actually broke up for the most recent time last semester. We still talk every few days via text but I feel like we are growing apart and going in different directions which obviously saddens me but I know it's apart of life. As much as I love Crystal and we have a great time together, we really don't have much in common. I'm very social, vivacious, and hyper while she is much more laid back, quiet, and shy. Regardless of what happens in the future I hope she remains a part of my life.
Johnny and I still talk, I'd consider us "homies". We're facebook friends and he texts me every now and then to kick it but we don't have much in common anymore since I made a huge lifestyle change. He never graduated high school or got his GED. He's got a rocky home life though so I guess it's understandable I wish him well and I hope he finds what he wants in life.
**Side note: While Cameron was really terrible to me I can't say it was entirely his fault or completely in his control. His family is truly dysfunctional and while I know every family has their bad moments (Lord knows mine definitely does) it is very clear to me that he did not grow up in a healthy, loving, and stable environment. I know this plays a key role in why he acts the way he does. Obviously I'm not pardoning him or saying it's right... but I definitely believe he could have turned out differently if he was raised in a better environment.
I don't want to brag or anything but I was kind of a player when I was younger. I remember having crushes on multiple boys in my kindergarten class and being absolutely thrilled when we played house and I'd get to be "married" to one of them. I "dated" guys in my 4th and 5th grade class (dated in this contexts refers strictly to passing hand written notes that were folded up in a complicated pattern but never actually talking face to face).
While I was clearly a
While I was obviously a coquette, or a minx if you will, back in the day, my first real relationship didn't happen until 8th grade.
I met Taylor when I was in 7th grade and we sat across from each other at a group table in our English class. I became close friends with him and his best guy friend (who I at the time I had a huge crush on but he was incredibly cute and had a girlfriend... while I had acne, braces, and frizzy hair so I knew I didn't have a chance with him). The year went on and I developed my friendship with Taylor more and more and I knew that I was developing a crush on him because he always made me laugh so hard with his immature middle school jokes. We began dating at the beginning of 8th grade and for my first serious relationship I'm impressed when I reflect back on those 9 months we spent together. We were horribly immature and we blindly stumbling through our relationship trying to figure out what we were doing and what exactly "love" was... even though we both thought we had figured it out. Our relationship ended when I found out his family was moving to another state and while he went house hunting with his parents, I being an insecure, naive, and heart broken girl, lost my virginity to a guy named Cameron who was a year older than me. I admitted to Taylor what I had done and he rightfully broke up with me. I had no right to do what I had done and it's one of the biggest mistakes I've ever made in my life. We were each others first loves and first heart breaks. You only get 1 and you never really forget them. I learned so much about life, love, and myself from Taylor. We dated when we were so young and impressionable, he was a key piece in forming who I would become as a person. I know I would be a completely different person had I never met him.
My freshman year of high school I was dating Cameron, the douche that took my virginity. He was a grade older than me and when I look back on this time in my life it truly saddens me. Cameron was everything you don't want in a boyfriend: controlling, obsessive, emotionally unstable, jealous, emotionally abusive, manipulative, and just down right mean. Even still I some how fell victim to the clique of a freshman girl love struck over the upperclassman that gave her the slightest bit of attention. There were rules with dating Cameron: I had to call or text him first thing when I woke up and he had to be the last person I talked to before I went to sleep at night. I'm 99% sure he cheated on me, more than once, although I never got it confirmed. I constantly had drama with his ex girlfriends who were also upperclassmen and were pretty mean to me at the time (although I'm facebook friends with both of them now lol). He always had to know where I was and he didn't like me hanging out with my friends when he wasn't around. Conveniently for Cameron, most of my friends weren't a fan of him and so I became more and more isolated which meant I became more dependent on him which is one of the reasons it took so long to end things. On top of my dependency I also felt vulnerable since I had lost my virginity to him, that was a big deal to me and even though it didn't seem like it at the time, I was not emotionally ready for that, 14 is just too young to know what you're really getting into with sex. There was also the issue of him threatening suicide if I ever did bring up breaking up or taking some space... and the fact that we were engaged (mmhmm there was a ring and everything)! Yes, engaged, yes... feel free to laugh and call me an idiot because I was!! This entire relationship was a mess from beginning to end, nothing positive came from this relationship in my life. I learned nothing new except what I definitely don't want ever again.
After Cameron and I broke up I began dating Crystal, a girl I met on the first day of freshman year in my advanced biology class. She was a sophomore and really different from anyone I'd ever met. I hadn't seriously considered my sexuality before I met her but I think that since she came into my life at such a chaotic time, when I was with Cameron and feeling terrible about myself, played a key factor in how important she became to me. Crystal and I dated on and off for all of my sophomore year. It was so confusing and scary because I had never dated a girl before. It was almost like the first love relationship I had with Taylor because it was so new to me only I feel like this relationship was even harder because her parents and a lot of our peers were against us. This was an epic love though and I don't think I will ever forget it for as long as I live. Crystal was so influential to me becoming who I am today and I learned so much from her and our relationship. I can openly reflect and admit that we were definitely terrible to each other at times. We both cheated on each other and we were both so insecure with ourselves and our relationship that we constantly tried to make each other jealous or defy what the other one wanted. I went through a lot of hard times because of Crystal but I know I put her through hell too. If I reflect on it overall, this was such a beneficial and rewarding relationship to be apart of.
I had to transfer to a continuation high school for my junior year. That summer before school started I met Johnny and oh man was I smitten. This guy was a bad boy punk down to his core and he gave me mad butterflies in my stomach. I had mixed feelings about thinking he was the coolest person ever and thinking I could somehow change his life style and make him into a respectable young man (ha!). Johnny lived in his friends garage with 2-4 other people depending on the night. It was kind of like a squatter place that we used for getting drunk and stoned all day every day, classy, I know. I got so caught up in him that I would bring him food all the time, and come over every day and clean up the garage/his room for him, and I'd wake up him and pick him up for school every morning. We went to raves together and rolled together. It was a whirlwind relationship that was in the fast lane on the high way that was leading absolutely no where. We didn't have a lot in common unless I was drunk or stoned so I'm not really surprised that this relationship didn't work out. Despite my facade of not giving a fuck about the world or life, I secretly had ambitions and a desire to get the hell out of my shit hole of a home town.... and he didn't. Complacently had set in around Johnny's life and it drove us apart. He would tell me what a controlling bitch I was for making him go to school and do his homework, and I would tell him what an asshole of a boyfriend he was. Surprisingly enough my relationship with Johnny was the longest consistent relationship I ever had ("consistently together" meaning that even though we broke up sometimes we got back together before dating anyone else). While this relationship clearly wasn't the best or most genuine, it also wasn't the worst. I would consider this my "well that was fun but what the hell was I thinking" relationship.
In between these relationships there have been others. Short relationships here and there as well as hook ups that lead to nothing. But these 4 are the significant ones. This is my dating past.
Taylor and I still talk regularly and he is still a huge part of my life. I still apologize for what I did to him in the past but we've both moved on. He's one of my best friends and I would do a lot for him. He has a gorgeous daughter now and I want nothing but good things for them both.
Cameron I talked on and off through high school, he even tried to get back together with me a few times, NOPE! But we've lost touch over the years... he was always shady and I never really trusted him. I know he also has a daughter now but I have no idea where he is living or what he is doing in life. We aren't even facebook friends. It's weird to me how Cameron will always be apart of my life because he took my virginity, but out of these 4 relationships he is the one that has disappeared from my life.
Crystal and I dated on and off many, many times. We actually broke up for the most recent time last semester. We still talk every few days via text but I feel like we are growing apart and going in different directions which obviously saddens me but I know it's apart of life. As much as I love Crystal and we have a great time together, we really don't have much in common. I'm very social, vivacious, and hyper while she is much more laid back, quiet, and shy. Regardless of what happens in the future I hope she remains a part of my life.
Johnny and I still talk, I'd consider us "homies". We're facebook friends and he texts me every now and then to kick it but we don't have much in common anymore since I made a huge lifestyle change. He never graduated high school or got his GED. He's got a rocky home life though so I guess it's understandable I wish him well and I hope he finds what he wants in life.
**Side note: While Cameron was really terrible to me I can't say it was entirely his fault or completely in his control. His family is truly dysfunctional and while I know every family has their bad moments (Lord knows mine definitely does) it is very clear to me that he did not grow up in a healthy, loving, and stable environment. I know this plays a key role in why he acts the way he does. Obviously I'm not pardoning him or saying it's right... but I definitely believe he could have turned out differently if he was raised in a better environment.
Saturday, August 4, 2012
Whirlwind
How typical of me to start a blog and then drop off the face of the Earth for a few days. Life has been pretty hectic this last week but I guess that was to be expected considering I just moved into a new apartment. I think I was living in a fantasy when I thought this big transition would go smoothly, I definitely didn't prepare myself for how truly crazy it would be.
Anyway the new apartment is amazing now that we have all of our furniture moved in (which was a huge battle of it's own because we had a fiasco with the movers, of course). I am really happy with the way our place is turning out because it looks SO cute and my roommates are really fabulous and we've just been having a lot of fun the past few days. T Sax is back in SD for the next few weeks because she is still working out there so for now it's just me and Juju, and unofficially Cuerto since she practically lives with us anyway.
I bought a new bedroom set of Craigslist and I sanded it down and refinished it. It look amazing since it was my fist time attempting to do something like that. The set turned out so good that T Sax asked me to help her finish some end tables she bought for the living room, so I did - and they turned out amazing as well so I'm pleased with myself. I also painted an accent wall in my room with a little help from Hailey, hung shelves in my bathroom, and changed the head of my shower all by myself. I feel really accomplished with everything I've done so far with the new place. I'm planning on installing some curtains in my room with in the next week.
I want to add pictures of everything eventually but we haven't had internet at our new place because Verizon made a big mistake with my order so I'm currently sitting at Starbucks to blog this so pictures will come LATER! I must add them so I can look back and remember all the cool things I did in my attempt to fix the place up on my own.
Last night I didn't get to bed until 5:00 am. FIVE AM! Can we just talk about how ridiculous that is and how exhausted I am?! Cuerto, Stef, and Hailey came over to keep me company while Juju was at work so when Juju got home we all just sat around and talked and ate the cookies that I baked earlier in the day. Then after Hailey and Stef went home, Cuerto wanted to go out to a Theta Chi party... Juju and I were both really tired but we've been saying we want to get to know this fraternity betterand Cuerto was kind of guilting us into it so we agreed to go. By the time we got ready and left our apartment it was already 1 AM, talk about arriving fashionably late to the party! We stayed for a few hours but to be honest it wasn't really that fun. I mean I didn't get to drink because I was DDing but still it was pretty low key. It wasn't at the Theta Chi house so there weren't that many people (I'm sure most people had obviously gone home before we even arrived). But I met some cool people and I'll definitely be getting to know them better next semester. We left around 3AM and the 3 of us came back to our apartment where we just sat in my room talking while I tried to finish unpacking and organizing. So by the time I finally crawled into bed and looked at the clock... it was 5AM... sad days!
The next few days will be pretty busy I have so much to do. I have NO food in my new place so as soon as I leave Starbucks I need to swing by a grocery store because I've literally been starving the past few days but I just haven't had the time to go shopping. William should be back in town in a few hours and I know he's going to want to come over so I need to get everything done before people start showing up at our place. Tomorrow a bunch of us are going to the finals of the US Open and I've never been before so it should be a good time. And then there is a ZEEB party that night which will be fun because I haven't been to one of my familiar fraternities parties since July 4th when I went to Pi Kapp.
Hopefully Verizon can get there crap together so we can get the internet up and running at our new place so I can try to get this blog going with more consistent writing. And here's to hoping that next time I sit down to write an entry I actually have time to proof read it so it's better quality. Cheers :)
Anyway the new apartment is amazing now that we have all of our furniture moved in (which was a huge battle of it's own because we had a fiasco with the movers, of course). I am really happy with the way our place is turning out because it looks SO cute and my roommates are really fabulous and we've just been having a lot of fun the past few days. T Sax is back in SD for the next few weeks because she is still working out there so for now it's just me and Juju, and unofficially Cuerto since she practically lives with us anyway.
I bought a new bedroom set of Craigslist and I sanded it down and refinished it. It look amazing since it was my fist time attempting to do something like that. The set turned out so good that T Sax asked me to help her finish some end tables she bought for the living room, so I did - and they turned out amazing as well so I'm pleased with myself. I also painted an accent wall in my room with a little help from Hailey, hung shelves in my bathroom, and changed the head of my shower all by myself. I feel really accomplished with everything I've done so far with the new place. I'm planning on installing some curtains in my room with in the next week.
I want to add pictures of everything eventually but we haven't had internet at our new place because Verizon made a big mistake with my order so I'm currently sitting at Starbucks to blog this so pictures will come LATER! I must add them so I can look back and remember all the cool things I did in my attempt to fix the place up on my own.
Last night I didn't get to bed until 5:00 am. FIVE AM! Can we just talk about how ridiculous that is and how exhausted I am?! Cuerto, Stef, and Hailey came over to keep me company while Juju was at work so when Juju got home we all just sat around and talked and ate the cookies that I baked earlier in the day. Then after Hailey and Stef went home, Cuerto wanted to go out to a Theta Chi party... Juju and I were both really tired but we've been saying we want to get to know this fraternity betterand Cuerto was kind of guilting us into it so we agreed to go. By the time we got ready and left our apartment it was already 1 AM, talk about arriving fashionably late to the party! We stayed for a few hours but to be honest it wasn't really that fun. I mean I didn't get to drink because I was DDing but still it was pretty low key. It wasn't at the Theta Chi house so there weren't that many people (I'm sure most people had obviously gone home before we even arrived). But I met some cool people and I'll definitely be getting to know them better next semester. We left around 3AM and the 3 of us came back to our apartment where we just sat in my room talking while I tried to finish unpacking and organizing. So by the time I finally crawled into bed and looked at the clock... it was 5AM... sad days!
The next few days will be pretty busy I have so much to do. I have NO food in my new place so as soon as I leave Starbucks I need to swing by a grocery store because I've literally been starving the past few days but I just haven't had the time to go shopping. William should be back in town in a few hours and I know he's going to want to come over so I need to get everything done before people start showing up at our place. Tomorrow a bunch of us are going to the finals of the US Open and I've never been before so it should be a good time. And then there is a ZEEB party that night which will be fun because I haven't been to one of my familiar fraternities parties since July 4th when I went to Pi Kapp.
Hopefully Verizon can get there crap together so we can get the internet up and running at our new place so I can try to get this blog going with more consistent writing. And here's to hoping that next time I sit down to write an entry I actually have time to proof read it so it's better quality. Cheers :)
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
I have no idea what I'm doing but I'm trying not to panic
When I was in high school I used to think I was "the shit". I had all these ideas of things I could do and accomplish. I have now come to realize that this is because a large majority of the teenagers I went to high school with were (and still are) idiots. I thought I was the greatest thing ever because at the time when I compared myself to my peers I was significantly better. Community college further reinforced the glorified image I had of myself.
Sadly, high school gave me an unrealistic expectation of life and my abilities. Once I got to a university and I was around a whole slew of other young adults trying to make something of themselves, I got an ice cold glass of reality throw in my face. I was not the wittiest or most intelligent student and I am certainly no longer at the top of my class.
The bright side of this sad fact is that I'm also not the dumbest person there either. I'm average; however, I solidly choose to believe that my lack of greatness stems purely from my laziness and lack of motivation. I pull solid A's and B's without ever opening a textbook and never studying for an exam. I don't proof read or re draft a single paper that I write. I am convinced that if I actually put forth effort I could be great at something.
My problem is a combination of two different facts. The first being that I have no idea what exactly I want to be good at. I don't have a passion... I don't know what I want to do. Therefore I feel a bit empty like I have no purpose when some of my friends know exactly what they want/were meant to do. The second, is that when I attempt sometime and it doesn't come natural to me (i.e I actually have to put in effort and I'm not instantly good at it) I get discouraged and quit. So basically that ties in with me being lazy so maybe there is really only 1.5 facts why I'm not exceptionally great.
Anyway this post is slowly getting much longer than I intended so I'm going to try and wrap it up. Tonight is the last night of me living under my grandparents roof, where I've been residing for the last two years. I just signed the lease on a new apartment and I'm moving in tomorrow. While I'm definitely receiving a lot of help, especially financial help, from my family for school and living expenses, I'm starting this blog to try and document my transition into the grown up world. Who knows how long I'll stick with it... I already told y'all I'm a quitter.
Sadly, high school gave me an unrealistic expectation of life and my abilities. Once I got to a university and I was around a whole slew of other young adults trying to make something of themselves, I got an ice cold glass of reality throw in my face. I was not the wittiest or most intelligent student and I am certainly no longer at the top of my class.
The bright side of this sad fact is that I'm also not the dumbest person there either. I'm average; however, I solidly choose to believe that my lack of greatness stems purely from my laziness and lack of motivation. I pull solid A's and B's without ever opening a textbook and never studying for an exam. I don't proof read or re draft a single paper that I write. I am convinced that if I actually put forth effort I could be great at something.
My problem is a combination of two different facts. The first being that I have no idea what exactly I want to be good at. I don't have a passion... I don't know what I want to do. Therefore I feel a bit empty like I have no purpose when some of my friends know exactly what they want/were meant to do. The second, is that when I attempt sometime and it doesn't come natural to me (i.e I actually have to put in effort and I'm not instantly good at it) I get discouraged and quit. So basically that ties in with me being lazy so maybe there is really only 1.5 facts why I'm not exceptionally great.
Anyway this post is slowly getting much longer than I intended so I'm going to try and wrap it up. Tonight is the last night of me living under my grandparents roof, where I've been residing for the last two years. I just signed the lease on a new apartment and I'm moving in tomorrow. While I'm definitely receiving a lot of help, especially financial help, from my family for school and living expenses, I'm starting this blog to try and document my transition into the grown up world. Who knows how long I'll stick with it... I already told y'all I'm a quitter.
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