Thursday, August 9, 2012

Dating: Before moving on, let's rehash the past...

Let's start at basically the beginning, shall we?

I don't want to brag or anything but I was kind of a player when I was younger. I remember having crushes on multiple boys in my kindergarten class and being absolutely thrilled when we played house and I'd get to be "married" to one of them. I "dated" guys in my 4th and 5th grade class (dated in this contexts refers strictly to passing hand written notes that were folded up in a complicated pattern but never actually talking face to face).

While I was clearly a man's lady, wow that doesn't sound nearly as good as "ladies man", how about guy's gal? Nope equally as terrible. Okay let's try this again:

While I was obviously a coquette, or a minx if you will, back in the day, my first real relationship didn't happen until 8th grade.

I met Taylor when I was in 7th grade and we sat across from each other at a group table in our English class. I became close friends with him and his best guy friend (who I at the time I had a huge crush on but he was incredibly cute and had a girlfriend... while I had acne, braces, and frizzy hair so I knew I didn't have a chance with him). The year went on and I developed my friendship with Taylor more and more and I knew that I was developing a crush on him because he always made me laugh so hard with his immature middle school jokes. We began dating at the beginning of 8th grade and for my first serious relationship I'm impressed when I reflect back on those 9 months we spent together. We were horribly immature and we blindly stumbling through our relationship trying to figure out what we were doing and what exactly "love" was... even though we both thought we had figured it out. Our relationship ended when I found out his family was moving to another state and while he went house hunting with his parents, I being an insecure, naive, and heart broken girl, lost my virginity to a guy named Cameron who was a year older than me. I admitted to Taylor what I had done and he rightfully broke up with me. I had no right to do what I had done and it's one of the biggest mistakes I've ever made in my life. We were each others first loves and first heart breaks. You only get 1 and you never really forget them. I learned so much about life, love, and myself from Taylor. We dated when we were so young and impressionable, he was a key piece in forming who I would become as a person. I know I would be a completely different person had I never met him.

My freshman year of high school I was dating Cameron, the douche that took my virginity. He was a grade older than me and when I look back on this time in my life it truly saddens me. Cameron was everything you don't want in a boyfriend: controlling, obsessive, emotionally unstable, jealous, emotionally abusive, manipulative, and just down right mean. Even still I some how fell victim to the clique of a freshman girl love struck over the upperclassman that gave her the slightest bit of attention. There were rules with dating Cameron: I had to call or text him first thing when I woke up and he had to be the last person I talked to before I went to sleep at night. I'm 99% sure he cheated on me, more than once, although I never got it confirmed. I constantly had drama with his ex girlfriends who were also upperclassmen and were pretty mean to me at the time (although I'm facebook friends with both of them now lol). He always had to know where I was and he didn't like me hanging out with my friends when he wasn't around. Conveniently for Cameron, most of my friends weren't a fan of him and so I became more and more isolated which meant I became more dependent on him which is one of the reasons it took so long to end things. On top of my dependency I also felt vulnerable since I had lost my virginity to him, that was a big deal to me and even though it didn't seem like it at the time, I was not emotionally ready for that, 14 is just too young to know what you're really getting into with sex. There was also the issue of him threatening suicide if I ever did bring up breaking up or taking some space... and the fact that we were engaged (mmhmm there was a ring and everything)! Yes, engaged, yes... feel free to laugh and call me an idiot because I was!! This entire relationship was a mess from beginning to end, nothing positive came from this relationship in my life. I learned nothing new except what I definitely don't want ever again.

After Cameron and I broke up I began dating Crystal, a girl I met on the first day of freshman year in my advanced biology class. She was a sophomore and really different from anyone I'd ever met. I hadn't seriously considered my sexuality before I met her but I think that since she came into my life at such a chaotic time, when I was with Cameron and feeling terrible about myself, played a key factor in how important she became to me. Crystal and I dated on and off for all of my sophomore year. It was so confusing and scary because I had never dated a girl before. It was almost like the first love relationship I had with Taylor because it was so new to me only I feel like this relationship was even harder because her parents and a lot of our peers were against us. This was an epic love though and I don't think I will ever forget it for as long as I live. Crystal was so influential to me becoming who I am today and I learned so much from her and our relationship. I can openly reflect and admit that we were definitely terrible to each other at times. We both cheated on each other and we were both so insecure with ourselves and our relationship that we constantly tried to make each other jealous or defy what the other one wanted. I went through a lot of hard times because of Crystal but I know I put her through hell too. If I reflect on it overall, this was such a beneficial and rewarding relationship to be apart of.

I had to transfer to a continuation high school for my junior year. That summer before school started I met Johnny and oh man was I smitten. This guy was a bad boy punk down to his core and he gave me mad butterflies in my stomach. I had mixed feelings about thinking he was the coolest person ever and thinking I could somehow change his life style and make him into a respectable young man (ha!). Johnny lived in his friends garage with 2-4 other people depending on the night. It was kind of like a squatter place that we used for getting drunk and stoned all day every day, classy, I know. I got so caught up in him that I would bring him food all the time, and come over every day and clean up the garage/his room for him, and I'd wake up him and pick him up for school every morning. We went to raves together and rolled together. It was a whirlwind relationship that was in the fast lane on the high way that was leading absolutely no where. We didn't have a lot in common unless I was drunk or stoned so I'm not really surprised that this relationship didn't work out. Despite my facade of not giving a fuck about the world or life, I secretly had ambitions and a desire to get the hell out of my shit hole of a home town.... and he didn't. Complacently had set in around Johnny's life and it drove us apart. He would tell me what a controlling bitch I was for making him go to school and do his homework, and I would tell him what an asshole of a boyfriend he was. Surprisingly enough my relationship with Johnny was the longest consistent relationship I ever had ("consistently together" meaning that even though we broke up sometimes we got back together before dating anyone else). While this relationship clearly wasn't the best or most genuine, it also wasn't the worst. I would consider this my "well that was fun but what the hell was I thinking" relationship.

In between these relationships there have been others. Short relationships here and there as well as hook ups that lead to nothing. But these 4 are the significant ones. This is my dating past.

Taylor and I still talk regularly and he is still a huge part of my life. I still apologize for what I did to him in the past but we've both moved on. He's one of my best friends and I would do a lot for him. He has a gorgeous daughter now and I want nothing but good things for them both.

Cameron I talked on and off through high school, he even tried to get back together with me a few times, NOPE! But we've lost touch over the years... he was always shady and I never really trusted him. I know he also has a daughter now but I have no idea where he is living or what he is doing in life. We aren't even facebook friends. It's weird to me how Cameron will always be apart of my life because he took my virginity, but out of these 4 relationships he is the one that has disappeared from my life.

Crystal and I dated on and off many, many times. We actually broke up for the most recent time last semester. We still talk every few days via text but I feel like we are growing apart and going in different directions which obviously saddens me but I know it's apart of life. As much as I love Crystal and we have a great time together, we really don't have much in common. I'm very social, vivacious, and hyper while she is much more laid back, quiet, and shy. Regardless of what happens in the future I hope she remains a part of my life.

Johnny and I still talk, I'd consider us "homies". We're facebook friends and he texts me every now and then to kick it but we don't have much in common anymore since I made a huge lifestyle change. He never graduated high school or got his GED. He's got a rocky home life though so I guess it's understandable I wish him well and I hope he finds what he wants in life.

**Side note: While Cameron was really terrible to me I can't say it was entirely his fault or completely in his control. His family is truly dysfunctional and while I know every family has their bad moments (Lord knows mine definitely does) it is very clear to me that he did not grow up in a healthy, loving, and stable environment. I know this plays a key role in why he acts the way he does. Obviously I'm not pardoning him or saying it's right... but I definitely believe he could have turned out differently if he was raised in a better environment.

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