Tuesday, July 31, 2012

I have no idea what I'm doing but I'm trying not to panic

When I was in high school I used to think I was "the shit". I had all these ideas of things I could do and accomplish. I have now come to realize that this is because a large majority of the teenagers I went to high school with were (and still are) idiots. I thought I was the greatest thing ever because at the time when I compared myself to my peers I was significantly better. Community college further reinforced the glorified image I had of myself.

Sadly, high school gave me an unrealistic expectation of life and my abilities. Once I got to a university and I was around a whole slew of other young adults trying to make something of themselves, I got an ice cold glass of reality throw in my face. I was not the wittiest or most intelligent student and I am certainly no longer at the top of my class.

The bright side of this sad fact is that I'm also not the dumbest person there either. I'm average; however, I solidly choose to believe that my lack of greatness stems purely from my laziness and lack of motivation. I pull solid A's and B's without ever opening a textbook and never studying for an exam. I don't proof read or re draft a single paper that I write. I am convinced that if I actually put forth effort I could be great at something.

My problem is a combination of two different facts. The first being that I have no idea what exactly I want to be good at. I don't have a passion... I don't know what I want to do. Therefore I feel a bit empty like I have no purpose when some of my friends know exactly what they want/were meant to do. The second, is that when I attempt sometime and it doesn't come natural to me (i.e I actually have to put in effort and I'm not instantly good at it) I get discouraged and quit. So basically that ties in with me being lazy so maybe there is really only 1.5 facts why I'm not exceptionally great.

Anyway this post is slowly getting much longer than I intended so I'm going to try and wrap it up. Tonight is the last night of me living under my grandparents roof, where I've been residing for the last two years. I just signed the lease on a new apartment and I'm moving in tomorrow. While I'm definitely receiving a lot of help, especially financial help, from my family for school and living expenses, I'm starting this blog to try and document my transition into the grown up world. Who knows how long I'll stick with it... I already told y'all I'm a quitter.