Throwback Thursday: Crazy Time

With less than 10 minutes to spare before it turns into Friday I thought I would post my first Throwback Thursday, so here ya go! This was back when I was a sophomore in high school. My friends and I had driven out to Lake Bottom to have a bon fire, listen to music, and drink... all of which was completely illegal. I've come such a long way.

Plastic Surgery

When I logged onto Yahoo! this morning to check my email a news story about a 14 year old girl getting plastic surgery caught my eye. You can read the article by clicking here.

The story is actually really awesome in my opinion but maybe that's because it hits so close to home and I can relate to the girl so well. Apparently there is an organization called Little Baby Face Foundation that pays for kids with deformities to have the medical procedures they need. I think this is absolutely incredible because life as a kid/teenager is hard enough as it is to deal with.

I was a pretty cute kid in elementary school and I had a good amount of friends. Once I got to middle school however everything changed. Middle school was the worst for me and I feel like that's the case with a lot of people. It is such an awkward time in our lives when some of us are starting to go through puberty... mix that with a bunch of mean snotty kids that don't know enough social etiquette to not say terrible things to a persons face... and you've successfully landed in Hell on Earth.

Puberty was not kind to me at all. Puberty was a bitch. I got terrible cystic acne, my teeth were crooked so I had to get braces, my hair was frizzy and I had no idea how to use make up or a straightener, and my boobs had starting to develop so I got extremely self conscious of my body image compared to other girls. Top that off with learning how and where to shave and like an idiot shaving my arms, resulting in my arm hair growing in thicker, and the ultimate cherry on top of that was that according to my peers I had a big nose.

I was teased endlessly by some of the "mean girls" at my school and much like the girl in the video I would come home from school crying only I didn't make it a secret from either of my parents. I begged both of them for plastic surgery when I was in 6th grade! Obviously neither of them had the money nor did they think I needed plastic surgery. To parents, their kids are perfect and they could never see their child as ugly.

But my moms pep talks, bless her heart, just weren't cutting it anymore. My peers had made sure that I knew I was ugly. But what could I do? Not a whole lot at that time. I sucked it up and wore a hoodie to school every day (even in the 108 degree summers) to hit my body and arm hair. I dressed in all black and put black in my hair to show everyone "how much I didn't care" even though I obviously really did. And I saved up money for a long time. Every birthday and Christmas or any extra cash I got went in a lock box under my bed and I saved for years.

I grew into my looks a little bit in 8th grade and even more so in high school. My braces came off at the end of 7th grade and my acne cleared up when I went on birth control during the middle of 8th grade which is when I also discovered a straightener, yay! I had boyfriends and from my previous post y'all know I lost my virginity which had up and down effects on my self esteem.

Once I was in high school things got a little better. Most of my peers had learned social etiquette by this time and knew that it wasn't proper to insult and make fun of someone to their face... so they just did it behind my back. Which I, and I'm being completely serious here, appreciated so much more. It's less embarrassing when you don't have to hear them say it and watch other people laugh. So it wasn't much but it was an improvement.

After I graduated high school and finished my first year and a half of community college I had finally saved enough for plastic surgery... it was about a month after my 20th birthday. I shopped around for surgeons and narrowed it down between a few. Even though I had originally just wanted was rhinoplasty... plastic surgery is a slippery slope. The surgeons almost "sell" you on other procedures because they point out other flaws in your face... and do the whole "Oh but after we fix your nose then this flaw will really stand out so you should do this too...". After all was said and done I ended up getting a rhinoplasty, chin augmentation, and a brow lift.

Waking up after surgery was the most painful experience of my life. I felt like I had been run over a million times with a huge truck... and from the pictures I have of that day it looks like that's what happened.

The day all my casts came off from my face my mom was with me and when I looked in the mirror I started crying. My mom asked me what was wrong and I couldn't even take my eyes off the mirror when I replied "my face just looks so good". I'm a very emotionally person and I cry a lot over sad things that that day was the first and only time I have ever cried tears of happiness. I loved my results.

It took a while to get used to my new face and I know it weirded out certain family members and some of my friends really didn't agree with it. But it was the right choice for me. I am so much more confident and outgoing now than I ever was before.

But people need to be careful with plastic surgery. Like I said I absolutely love my results but now that those things are improved, when I look in the mirror all I can see are the other flaws. My boobs are too small, my thighs are too big, my eye brows don't perfectly match, I have acne scars, oh God are those laugh lines around my mouth?! And yes... my arms are still harry (but thankfully I'm blonde! haha). Once you fix something you notice something else and it's an endless cycle so I can see how people can get addicted and out of control. [See: Heidi Montag]

But even noticing my other flaws I've become more comfortable in my own skin. Just because I notice them doesn't mean they bother me as much. I don't think I'd have any more surgery until I'm more older and even then who knows. Right now I'm perfectly fine with myself and everyone else seems to be too, I think my new found confidence makes me that much sexier!

Dating: Before moving on, let's rehash the past...

Let's start at basically the beginning, shall we?

I don't want to brag or anything but I was kind of a player when I was younger. I remember having crushes on multiple boys in my kindergarten class and being absolutely thrilled when we played house and I'd get to be "married" to one of them. I "dated" guys in my 4th and 5th grade class (dated in this contexts refers strictly to passing hand written notes that were folded up in a complicated pattern but never actually talking face to face).

While I was clearly a man's lady, wow that doesn't sound nearly as good as "ladies man", how about guy's gal? Nope equally as terrible. Okay let's try this again:

While I was obviously a coquette, or a minx if you will, back in the day, my first real relationship didn't happen until 8th grade.

I met Taylor when I was in 7th grade and we sat across from each other at a group table in our English class. I became close friends with him and his best guy friend (who I at the time I had a huge crush on but he was incredibly cute and had a girlfriend... while I had acne, braces, and frizzy hair so I knew I didn't have a chance with him). The year went on and I developed my friendship with Taylor more and more and I knew that I was developing a crush on him because he always made me laugh so hard with his immature middle school jokes. We began dating at the beginning of 8th grade and for my first serious relationship I'm impressed when I reflect back on those 9 months we spent together. We were horribly immature and we blindly stumbling through our relationship trying to figure out what we were doing and what exactly "love" was... even though we both thought we had figured it out. Our relationship ended when I found out his family was moving to another state and while he went house hunting with his parents, I being an insecure, naive, and heart broken girl, lost my virginity to a guy named Cameron who was a year older than me. I admitted to Taylor what I had done and he rightfully broke up with me. I had no right to do what I had done and it's one of the biggest mistakes I've ever made in my life. We were each others first loves and first heart breaks. You only get 1 and you never really forget them. I learned so much about life, love, and myself from Taylor. We dated when we were so young and impressionable, he was a key piece in forming who I would become as a person. I know I would be a completely different person had I never met him.

My freshman year of high school I was dating Cameron, the douche that took my virginity. He was a grade older than me and when I look back on this time in my life it truly saddens me. Cameron was everything you don't want in a boyfriend: controlling, obsessive, emotionally unstable, jealous, emotionally abusive, manipulative, and just down right mean. Even still I some how fell victim to the clique of a freshman girl love struck over the upperclassman that gave her the slightest bit of attention. There were rules with dating Cameron: I had to call or text him first thing when I woke up and he had to be the last person I talked to before I went to sleep at night. I'm 99% sure he cheated on me, more than once, although I never got it confirmed. I constantly had drama with his ex girlfriends who were also upperclassmen and were pretty mean to me at the time (although I'm facebook friends with both of them now lol). He always had to know where I was and he didn't like me hanging out with my friends when he wasn't around. Conveniently for Cameron, most of my friends weren't a fan of him and so I became more and more isolated which meant I became more dependent on him which is one of the reasons it took so long to end things. On top of my dependency I also felt vulnerable since I had lost my virginity to him, that was a big deal to me and even though it didn't seem like it at the time, I was not emotionally ready for that, 14 is just too young to know what you're really getting into with sex. There was also the issue of him threatening suicide if I ever did bring up breaking up or taking some space... and the fact that we were engaged (mmhmm there was a ring and everything)! Yes, engaged, yes... feel free to laugh and call me an idiot because I was!! This entire relationship was a mess from beginning to end, nothing positive came from this relationship in my life. I learned nothing new except what I definitely don't want ever again.

After Cameron and I broke up I began dating Crystal, a girl I met on the first day of freshman year in my advanced biology class. She was a sophomore and really different from anyone I'd ever met. I hadn't seriously considered my sexuality before I met her but I think that since she came into my life at such a chaotic time, when I was with Cameron and feeling terrible about myself, played a key factor in how important she became to me. Crystal and I dated on and off for all of my sophomore year. It was so confusing and scary because I had never dated a girl before. It was almost like the first love relationship I had with Taylor because it was so new to me only I feel like this relationship was even harder because her parents and a lot of our peers were against us. This was an epic love though and I don't think I will ever forget it for as long as I live. Crystal was so influential to me becoming who I am today and I learned so much from her and our relationship. I can openly reflect and admit that we were definitely terrible to each other at times. We both cheated on each other and we were both so insecure with ourselves and our relationship that we constantly tried to make each other jealous or defy what the other one wanted. I went through a lot of hard times because of Crystal but I know I put her through hell too. If I reflect on it overall, this was such a beneficial and rewarding relationship to be apart of.

I had to transfer to a continuation high school for my junior year. That summer before school started I met Johnny and oh man was I smitten. This guy was a bad boy punk down to his core and he gave me mad butterflies in my stomach. I had mixed feelings about thinking he was the coolest person ever and thinking I could somehow change his life style and make him into a respectable young man (ha!). Johnny lived in his friends garage with 2-4 other people depending on the night. It was kind of like a squatter place that we used for getting drunk and stoned all day every day, classy, I know. I got so caught up in him that I would bring him food all the time, and come over every day and clean up the garage/his room for him, and I'd wake up him and pick him up for school every morning. We went to raves together and rolled together. It was a whirlwind relationship that was in the fast lane on the high way that was leading absolutely no where. We didn't have a lot in common unless I was drunk or stoned so I'm not really surprised that this relationship didn't work out. Despite my facade of not giving a fuck about the world or life, I secretly had ambitions and a desire to get the hell out of my shit hole of a home town.... and he didn't. Complacently had set in around Johnny's life and it drove us apart. He would tell me what a controlling bitch I was for making him go to school and do his homework, and I would tell him what an asshole of a boyfriend he was. Surprisingly enough my relationship with Johnny was the longest consistent relationship I ever had ("consistently together" meaning that even though we broke up sometimes we got back together before dating anyone else). While this relationship clearly wasn't the best or most genuine, it also wasn't the worst. I would consider this my "well that was fun but what the hell was I thinking" relationship.

In between these relationships there have been others. Short relationships here and there as well as hook ups that lead to nothing. But these 4 are the significant ones. This is my dating past.

Taylor and I still talk regularly and he is still a huge part of my life. I still apologize for what I did to him in the past but we've both moved on. He's one of my best friends and I would do a lot for him. He has a gorgeous daughter now and I want nothing but good things for them both.

Cameron I talked on and off through high school, he even tried to get back together with me a few times, NOPE! But we've lost touch over the years... he was always shady and I never really trusted him. I know he also has a daughter now but I have no idea where he is living or what he is doing in life. We aren't even facebook friends. It's weird to me how Cameron will always be apart of my life because he took my virginity, but out of these 4 relationships he is the one that has disappeared from my life.

Crystal and I dated on and off many, many times. We actually broke up for the most recent time last semester. We still talk every few days via text but I feel like we are growing apart and going in different directions which obviously saddens me but I know it's apart of life. As much as I love Crystal and we have a great time together, we really don't have much in common. I'm very social, vivacious, and hyper while she is much more laid back, quiet, and shy. Regardless of what happens in the future I hope she remains a part of my life.

Johnny and I still talk, I'd consider us "homies". We're facebook friends and he texts me every now and then to kick it but we don't have much in common anymore since I made a huge lifestyle change. He never graduated high school or got his GED. He's got a rocky home life though so I guess it's understandable I wish him well and I hope he finds what he wants in life.


**Side note: While Cameron was really terrible to me I can't say it was entirely his fault or completely in his control. His family is truly dysfunctional and while I know every family has their bad moments (Lord knows mine definitely does) it is very clear to me that he did not grow up in a healthy, loving, and stable environment. I know this plays a key role in why he acts the way he does. Obviously I'm not pardoning him or saying it's right... but I definitely believe he could have turned out differently if he was raised in a better environment.

I have no idea what I'm doing but I'm trying not to panic

When I was in high school I used to think I was "the shit". I had all these ideas of things I could do and accomplish. I have now come to realize that this is because a large majority of the teenagers I went to high school with were (and still are) idiots. I thought I was the greatest thing ever because at the time when I compared myself to my peers I was significantly better. Community college further reinforced the glorified image I had of myself.

Sadly, high school gave me an unrealistic expectation of life and my abilities. Once I got to a university and I was around a whole slew of other young adults trying to make something of themselves, I got an ice cold glass of reality throw in my face. I was not the wittiest or most intelligent student and I am certainly no longer at the top of my class.

The bright side of this sad fact is that I'm also not the dumbest person there either. I'm average; however, I solidly choose to believe that my lack of greatness stems purely from my laziness and lack of motivation. I pull solid A's and B's without ever opening a textbook and never studying for an exam. I don't proof read or re draft a single paper that I write. I am convinced that if I actually put forth effort I could be great at something.

My problem is a combination of two different facts. The first being that I have no idea what exactly I want to be good at. I don't have a passion... I don't know what I want to do. Therefore I feel a bit empty like I have no purpose when some of my friends know exactly what they want/were meant to do. The second, is that when I attempt sometime and it doesn't come natural to me (i.e I actually have to put in effort and I'm not instantly good at it) I get discouraged and quit. So basically that ties in with me being lazy so maybe there is really only 1.5 facts why I'm not exceptionally great.

Anyway this post is slowly getting much longer than I intended so I'm going to try and wrap it up. Tonight is the last night of me living under my grandparents roof, where I've been residing for the last two years. I just signed the lease on a new apartment and I'm moving in tomorrow. While I'm definitely receiving a lot of help, especially financial help, from my family for school and living expenses, I'm starting this blog to try and document my transition into the grown up world. Who knows how long I'll stick with it... I already told y'all I'm a quitter.