Merry Christmas

Christmas is a time of year that as a child I always looked forward too. I would write my letter to Santa and on Christmas Eve I could hardly wait to go to sleep and then as bed time came, I was far too excited to actually sleep. Once I did, as soon as I woke up I rushed to wake up my mother and my grandparents (the 3 people that I have never spent a Christmas without). As the baby of the family and as a spoiled only child (especially since my single mother tried to make up for the fact that my dad wasn't in the picture much) I had the most presents under the tree. And not just the most... a ridiculous amount of grand presents. Back then I thought that was how every child's Christmas morning was. It wasn't until I became older... embarrassingly enough I'm talking like junior year of high school older... that I realized not everyone received so much on Christmas, in fact many of my friends only got one gift, if any.

Now that I'm older and a senior in college, Christmas has come to mean something different to me. On Christmas Eve this year, my mom asked me if it felt like Christmas Eve and I said it didn't. It was rainy and gloomy, I worked that day, and I was still finishing up Christmas shopping... so it just wasn't very joyful.

This Christmas was still a good one though. It was the first Christmas we've had my 6 year old cousin around since her parents got divorced. Naturally with her being the youngest she got the most gifts... she even got a brand new iPad. But watching my grandparents and my mom open their gifts was also awesome. There was a lot of laughter, and even some tears.

After everyone had gone home my grandma came into my room and told me that this Christmas was one for the books, and that she would keep it in her heart... especially since she thinks they don't have very many Christmases left.... which was the saddest and most depressing thing ever, because I am extremely close with both my grandparents and I hold them very dear to me. Naturally, I teared up and I just couldn't stop a few tears from falling off the rim of my eye lids, even though I felt stupid.

I just can't imagine life without them and I don't want to.

It just made me realize the importance of family. When I was in high school I was close with my family but I still focused on my friendships more. Fighting with my family and I couldn't wait to get away and have fun with my friends... how awful I feel about those times now because I'm not really friends with any of those people anymore and yet my family remains.

My family has stood by me through all of my failures and my darkest times. They're stuck around when I've been awful to them. They put up with my bad moods and offer me love, support, and encouragement through everything. Most of my friends however, have not.

Friends get busy, change life courses, and drift apart.... I've made many new friends in my life and my "group" of friends has changed more times than I can count.

But my family has remained a constant. They have never let me down or disappointed me. Which makes me realize I need to be more appreciative. More patient and understanding with them. I need to tell them... and more importantly show them, that I love them and help them understand just how much they mean to me and how much I appreciate them. This will be one of my "New Years Resolutions". Because frankly, my family deserves a lot better from me.

Who to Choose and Who to Lose?

"In an unexpected turn of events, I was neither a winner, nor a loser, I was a chooser. But someone had to win, someone had to lose, and I was still left to choose. It was a big decision and not an easy one to make."

I've been dragging this decision out way to long and it's not fair to anyone involved. I'm constantly stressed and feeling guilty, both Hunter and Robbie are feeling bad because they know I'm seeing the other one, and even my friends and roommates are getting caught up in it, even accidentally calling one the wrong name! As much as I'm dreading making my decision I know it needs to be done because this is getting ridiculous.

I've never identified more with a show than I have with MTV's Awkward lately. Which is what the title and quote at the beginning of this blog are from. Jenna, the main character, gets caught up in a love triangle between Matty and Jake. Two great guys who are different in many ways but happen to be bestfriends.

Thankfully in my case Hunter and Robbie aren't friends, they've only met twice. So that makes this decision a little easier. However, I know whoever I don't choose will be really hurt.

While watching Awkward. I was #TeamJake all along, I thought he was more attractive, nicer, and better for Jenna (and he IS) but Jenna ends up picking Matty at the end of season 2.

And in the actual situation of my life I think I'm going to make the same choice that Jenna did.

I'm going to choose my Matty. Which in this situation is clearly Hunter.

Now I just don't know how to break the news to the other one and try to salvage our friendship, if that's even possible...

Roomie Drama

Today I had my first "big" fight with one of my roommates. I just feel as though she's being really selfish lately.

Anytime I make food I offer her some and I gladly share. This morning she asked me for one of my donuts and I gave her one, along with a piece of mine because she asked to try it. I also frequently curl and straighten her hair for her when she asks me to.

And yet when I ask her to do the simplest thing, she does it with an attitude. She'll scoff and be super dramatic and answer back with something like "I guess...".

I just don't think it's nice or fair and to be honest it's really getting under my skin.

I need to figure out what the "adult" way to handle this would be, but first I'm going to drink more wine.

Cowgirl Up

I hurt two really great people recently. The first one was on Thursday, which I already wrote about, and I have since apologized for and have seemingly been forgiven. The second was yesterday and I'll be giving an apology for that one within the next hour.

I still don't know exactly what I'm going to say because I'm not entirely sure what I want, does that make me a bad person?

I have these two phenomenal people who, for reasons I can't quite figure out, want to be with me. They are so opposite and the circumstances for each are very different. I don't want to hurt anyone and I don't want to lose either of them at this point. Is that selfish of me?

Goodbye Bev!

Me and T Sax (one of my roomies) last night.

Last night we had our last party in the old apartment before the lease was up. It was completely empty because we've moved all our furniture into our new place so we had tons of room to set up a beer pong table.

We had SO much alcohol it was ridiculous! I started off with a mixed vodka drink, then played a game of beer pong (which I lost so I had to take a loser's shot), made another mixed drink, played another game of beer pong, took vodka body shots, and apparently took tequila shots. Needless to say I had alcohol poisoning and spent half the party in the bathroom throwing up (not one of my finest moments).

On the bright side it really made me realize how many great people I have in my life. So many people were concerned and I basically had a whole team of people taking care of me and making sure I was okay. It just made me feel really thankful and fortunate.

I was such a jerk to Hunter, the guy I've kind of been seeing. I invited him to our party but then when he got there (and I was already drunk) I completely ignored him. I literally didn't say 1 word to him. I was playing beer pong with another guy and according to my friends, when I made an outrageous shot that went in, I jumped up and straddled his waist. Then when I started getting sick Hunter watched over me for hours and even cleaned my vomit out of the sink (YUCK!), he carried me to the car and made sure someone got me home safe. Even though he was really upset with me he still stuck around to make sure I was okay. Is that not the sweetest thing ever?

When I woke up this morning and got filled in on what happened, I felt like the biggest ass ever. Who does that?! Needless to say I called and apologized to him. He still seems a little ticked but I think we'll be able to move past it.

My dating life is just all jumbly at the moment but I think that deserves a separate blog posting later.

For now all I can say is:
I am blessed with some truly amazing people in my life.
I have some issues to work on regarding alcohol.
I need to sort out my love life.

Getting my Namaste on...

I signed up for a yoga class when I was in community college and I ended up dropping out of it after the second time the class met. I absolutely hated it, it was too slow placed for me, I was frustrated about not being able to do a lot of the more advanced poses, and something about being in a place really quiet and being able to hear my own breathing and heart beat really freaks me out and gives me anxiety.

Yesterday JuJu asked me to go with her in the morning to free yoga on the beach. After explaining to her why I hate yoga and how I think it's the stupidest thing ever, she still somehow convinced me to go. So alas, this morning we got up earlyish and drove down to our little bay area. We were 15 minutes late because parking in that area is terrible but we quickly walked over and placed our yoga mats in the sand toward the back. The lady teaching the class has a very quiet, calm, and soothing voice so I was a big fan of her.

-Side note, I have a thing with voices... most people just have average voices that aren't anything special, a few people have really annoying voices that I really don't enjoy listening too, and some people have voices that just have a certain effect on me... where I could literally listen to them talking for hours about any given subject and I'd still enjoy it. It's not an attraction thing at all though. The yoga instructor had one of those special voices.

So this yoga class had a few pluses.
 + Instructor had a nice voice
 + It was outside and crowded so I didn't have to silently listen to my breathing and heart
 + I got to work on my tan at the same time
 + I felt really accomplished when it was over

But there were still some things I didn't like
 - I had the sun in my eyes and sunglasses kept falling off my face in different poses
 - I felt a little weird at first with all the onlookers
 - I had no sunscreen on and I might be a little sun burned
 - I got sand all over me, not even my yoga mat could prevent that

All in all as much as I hated it, I enjoyed it if that makes any sense. It's a free yoga class every Saturday morning on the beach I feel like I would be an idiot to not to take advantage of this. I'm definitely going to give it a few more tries and see if I can get into it more because I know it would be good for me.

Next time I'm not wearing stupid yoga clothes though... I'm wearing a freakin bikini and tanning oil. And I'm going swimming after because the water looked so refreshing.

Bring on the Namaste!

Throwback Thursday: Crazy Time

With less than 10 minutes to spare before it turns into Friday I thought I would post my first Throwback Thursday, so here ya go! This was back when I was a sophomore in high school. My friends and I had driven out to Lake Bottom to have a bon fire, listen to music, and drink... all of which was completely illegal. I've come such a long way.